Last night was not a great night. I'm a great bottler. I will hold emotions in until literally they explode. Last night was one of those nights. I had an issue with my insurance company about a claim that should already be paid but isn't, and I think that's what set me off. I get really snippy on these nights until literally, I just start crying, and my husband just has to hold me, and let it all come out.
The weight of this whole thing is heavy. It's not a light thing, as I've mentioned before. The procedure itself is honestly pretty simple, even though it's major surgery, and that's not what was bothering me last night. I think I said on here the other day that I have been looking at fun clothes for when I'm in maintenance? Well, I started really looking at prices of those clothes, and just realizing how deep we're going to be in. I'll literally have to buy a whole new wardrobe. Now, I know that not all my clothes will be the fun clothes, and that Kohls, Old Navy, Meijer, Walmart, Target, and Goodwill will be my friends. But it's still a lot of money, and a lot to think about.
And I know I've mentioned that I'm starting to see myself shrink. Last night I was noticing that my forearms are smaller than they used to be. My thighs have shrunk, my butt is gone. This is a good thing, yes, it means that the diet is working, but, at the same point, what am I going to do with this body? This new body that I have? I'm not going to know how to act with it, and it's scary. I've literally been overweight my whole life. Looking into the mirror and seeing a skinny person... will I even recognize myself?
Connected with that is the attention that I'm going to start getting (I assume). I've read stories on my support groups that the women that have had this surgery all of a sudden have a lot more male attention than they're used to. I already got hit on via Facebook messenger this week. -.- Not happy about that. I don't want the attention. Maybe if I tattoo "I'm Married. Now go away." on my forehead it will work? Anyone? No? Ok. I've never really been the receiver of male attention before, and, frankly, I don't want it... well, there's only one man's attention that I'll be happy to receive, and he knows it. :)
Speaking of that man, in my mind he's a chubby chaser. His ex before me was heavier, and I've been heavy since we've been together. With my body shrinking, my mind was on, "What if he isn't attracted to me anymore?" Of course, that's not the case. He wants me healthy, and wants me with him for the longterm. This song was apt for last night... The video is funny, and the lyrics are super sweet. If you're a country music fan, you've probably already heard it. It was running through my mind all morning.
I know that part of all this emotion is from losing weight. Fun fact: Your body stores hormones in your fat cells. When you lose lots of weight, your body goes a bit haywire. Another part of it is from my new birth control. It's hormone based, and gives a lot of women problems. It's not really giving me problems, and once my body is used to it, it will be great. But yeah, I do feel kind of crazy for now... *sigh*
~♥~
Lady D
