The Past

Part of this journey, I'm learning, is coming to terms with yourself. And seeing my psychologist on Saturday brought back a lot of memories that I had repressed. I'm really good at repressing memories. But in order to heal myself completely, I need to get over the things of my past. I've even started apologizing to people that I've wronged in my past... heh. Kind of like a 12 step program.

Anyways, as I mentioned in the other post from today, I didn’t have great teenage years. I had a really hard time dealing with my parents’ divorce, and my mom was working two jobs, so, a lot, we ordered out, or she’d give us money to get fast food, ect. I am a big emotional eater. I will turn to food if I’m upset.

Kids, also, as I mentioned above, are mean. I grew up being teased about my weight. When we lived in Toledo, it wasn’t too horrible, because we moved when I was in the third grade, and kids at that point are just learning social structure. When we lived in WV, that’s when I really started getting teased. I hid how I felt by wearing very large t-shirts, and hiding my body. There were days that I was so upset, I remember going into my parents’ room, laying on their bed, and just sobbing.

It got even worse after my parents’ divorce. We moved in with my Aunt for a while, and the kids at the school that I went to for a semester were horrible. I remember one girl in particular that was horrible to me. She asked me one day if I took baths. I told her no, I took showers. She said that was a good thing, because I would probably need an elephant bath if I did. I don’t even remember her name.

The school I went to after that was a bit better. The only bad thing is that I was super self-conscious. I don’t think that people are really as mean as I thought they were at the time (with the exceptions of girls like above), but I’m just not sure. I did have several more incidents in Junior High that were horrible for me.

I was not a popular girl, partially because of my size, and partially because that’s just not me. If you ever meet me, you’ll see this bubbly happy person. But if you look a bit closer, I’m a total loner. I stay at home, read books, play with my cats, and my family. That’s about it. I was in an after school club, I don’t even remember what it was now. But we were doing some type of fundraiser, and we decided to turn one of our gym teachers into a giant hot fudge sundae. Well, we forgot the camera. So, I had to run and get it. Well, I decided to literally RUN, since they weren’t stopping the process for me, and I got laughed out of the gym.

That same year, I am not pictured in my 8th grade homeroom yearbook photo because I was cut out of it. Literally, you can see my arm is all. And no, it wasn’t that they ran out of room, since there’s plenty of room on the other side of the frame.

High school got a bit better, but not at the same time. Since things that had happened in the past stuck with me, I was still very self-conscious. And we had a school where we had to change clothes for gym. So, getting almost naked in a locker room with a bunch of skinny girls was not good for my self-esteem. But as I said, high school all in all was better. And I got a boyfriend in high school who adored me, so, that helped too.

College was even better. Not food wise, I gained quite a bit after my Freshman year, when I lost a bunch of weight. I met my wonderful husband in college as well, and he is the joy and love of my life. He the is center of my support, and one of my biggest things in life right now. People for the most part stopped being mean in college. They just didn’t care. And after that, it’s the same. You’ll hear some things you think are people talking about you… but for the most part, they’re not. They’re too swept up in their own lives.

I have only had one instance in my adult life where I’ve ever really felt bad by someone else about my weight. It was when I worked at Subway, and one of the other employees made a VERY crude comment about my weight. My manager went to bat for me though, and even talked about trying to see if we could do anything legally against said person. My former manager is an awesome person.

I will turn to food also if I’m bored. After my daughter was born, she slept. A lot. I cleaned what I could of the house, did the laundry, but after that I was bored. So, what did I do? I ate. I would eat a whole tube of Pillsbury biscuits with margarine in an afternoon for lunch. Or a whole box of garlic bread for lunch. Needless to say, what little weight I lost during pregnancy, I gained back… and then some.

I think I said this in my other post as well, but I really need to reiterate it. I really hope that by seeing me, and my life, my daughter is more tolerant of all people. Not just people with weight problems, but anyone that's different than she is. I've tried to adopt a completely judgment-free attitude when it comes to others, and while it's hard, I do my best not to judge anyone. Who knows what they're going through that lead them to their choices (Disclaimer: I totally judge people who turn to physical abuse, murder, or anything like that. You all suck. I just mean non-judgment when it comes to everyday life). I really love the idea of Live and Let Live. If what you're doing makes you happy and isn't harming anyone, then you be you. I'll be me. Let's love life. It took me a long time to get to this point. I won't lie. But I'm so much happier being here. So, in the words of Elsa, "Let it Go." ;)

~♥~
Lady D